The Frozen Flame
by shellcottages
Summary: They met again fifteen years later at a wedding. AU. Oneshot.


_**A/N**: Thank you for reading! This was originally going to be a scene in a full-length AU I came up with, but since most of my attention has been on _Stick on the Ice_, I've decided to convert this scene into a oneshot._

* * *

Maya left the venue just after the cake was served. She hadn't originally planned on staying for the whole thing - she _was_ invited out of pity, after all - but when she saw _him_ during the dinner, she knew she had to bail out as early as socially acceptable. When someone _finally _sliced the little bride and groom at freaking 11:00 at night during the most boring reception ever, she ran out of there as fast as she could.

And then she realised she should've thought this through; she's positive he saw her leave, since she ran right through the middle of the practically empty dance floor, and she didn't have a ride home to get out of there.

Too bad she quit, because him being there made her really, _really_ want a smoke.

"Hi."

Speak of the devil.

She turned around to find NHL legend Campbell Saunders, dressed in his fanciest suit-and-tie, walking towards her with apprehension, hands in his pockets. It wasn't a "hey", as if they were still anywhere near friends. She liked it better that way.

"Hello," she replied, not looking at him in the eye.

There was a pause. Maya wasn't going to say anymore until Cam said something first. He came up to her, after all.

At last, he came up something profound: "It's pretty chilly out."

Really, Campbell? We haven't seen each other in fifteen years and we're going to talk about the fucking _weather_?

"Yeah," said Maya, in a tone as just as cold as the turn-of-the-season night. There was nowhere else she could've taken it.

Again, there was silence, but she didn't feel uncomfortable. Cam came up to her, so it was_ him_ that had to impress _her_.

He fiddled with the buttons on his coat, clearly trying to pass the time until he came up with an actual conversation starter. Maya was growing impatient. She reached into her purse to pop a breath mint when he asked something actually worthwhile.

"Why are you at the wedding?"

She put two in her mouth. "Katie's brother-in-law's the groom, so I got invited."

Cam stuck his hands back in his pockets. "That makes sense."

"Why are you here?"

He chuckled awkwardly. "It's, uh, my sister's wedding."

This was news to her. "Actually?"

"Yeah, you didn't know?"

"I guess it never crossed my mind." Well, now she felt stupid. "You know, it's just that Saunders isn't an unusual name or anything."

"Oh," Cam mumbled. "I thought you knew my sister's name."

She did, at one point. She chose to forget it years ago, and apparently it had worked.

"Hey," he asked after yet another pause, "do you need a ride home?"

Maya hesitated. She hadn't seen him since they were dating in high school, and that ending obviously didn't turn out so well. He left her on a couch in her living room when she was fourteen and never tried to contact her again. There were also the rumours, even legends she was sure were still passed down through the halls of Degrassi today about what Cam did. Somehow they never got to the tabloids. Part of her wishes that the truth was exposed.

"Are you sure that's fine?" she asked, double-checking that it wasn't something he said just to break the silence. "I mean, it's your sister's wedding after all."

"No, it's fine. I told the babysitter I'd pick up Hannah by midnight, and Shelby has to stay."

Ah, yes. Shelby. The tall, beautiful, accomplished hockey-wife of Maya's very first boyfriend, now a bridesmaid to the woman of the hour. The great and spectacular wedding of Campbell Saunders and Shelby Hayfield wedding was a feature in People Magazine. Not on the front page, of course, but a one-page article of how they barely spent any of the money from his ginormous paychecks, only 50 guests attended, and the details of a simple, backyard ceremony at his grandparent's house in good ol' Kapuskasing. The only negative about her was that she was fat because she was pregnant again. What an amazing happy fucking ending.

Even still, she still needed a ride home. She didn't live that far away, but there was no way she was going to walk home in those heels and in a dress that short.

"Sure, then," she responded. "That would be great. I'm in the apartments on Hillside."

"Okay."

Cam led her to his car. Maya knew nothing about cars, but it was a damn better car than Scotty had. They buckled themselves in, and Cam started the car and drove out of the lot, keeping silent.

About halfway there, he decided to speak; "So what's new with you?"

This question set her off. "New as in recently? Or new as in the last time you spoke to me when I was in Grade 9?"

"I - um," he stammered, knowing where she was coming from. "Recently, I guess."

"Well, I just got divorced." she said with haste. She tried to think about something else to add, but nothing else occupied her life at the time.

"Oh," Cam responded, staying focused on the road. "Sorry."

"It's fine." she made clear, "I'm okay with it. Honest."

"When was this?"

"Officially three months ago, but I moved out a year and a half ago."

"Damn. Sorry."

"It's fine, Cam. It wasn't nasty," Maya lied. "I see him at work all the time anyway."

"Where do you work?"

"I produce at Gormadie Records, occasionally do some background work on a track."

"Really?" he asked, actually turning to look at her. "That's awesome!"

"Thanks. Yeah, he was my husband actually. Scott Gormadie."

"Oh, okay." He looked back out the front window. "Sorry, though."

"It's fine."

"Any kids?"

"No," she said, almost laughing to herself. "Thank God. No, I didn't want any kids. Neither did Scotty. It was the one thing we agreed on."

"How long were you-"

"Technically, five years." Maya answered quickly, sensing the question from their limited conversation range. "We got married when I was twenty-four."

"Okay," said Cam for what seemed like the millionth time, ending yet another conversation piece.

They were nearing Maya's building, which made her feel so much more at ease. She didn't feel comfortable with sitting in a car with the man who never gave her a proper break-up. The man who was once a boy with so many issues that he tried to off himself and never came back to say goodbye.

And to think, _his _life ended up being a lot better than hers.

"Just in here," Maya indicated, pointing at the lot.

Cam turned the car and brought it to a stop, engine still running as it halted in a parking spot in front of the door to the foyer.

"There you are," he said, putting the car into park. "Hey, it was good to see you."

'Good' wasn't the word Maya would've used, but she still responded with "It was good to see you, too."

She unbuckled her seatbelt and opened her car door, but just as she was about to slam the door on Campbell Saunders' face once and for all, she froze.

Fifteen years have passed since the last time she saw him. Fifteen long fucking years. He made a stupid choice that backfired on him in one way, but backfired on her in another. And since he stopped caring about her, she had to pick up all the pieces herself, and that would've been difficult enough even if she had any answers.

But this … this was their only chance, probably ever again, to figure out what happened and fill in the cracks she just smoothed over in her teenage years. Why the hell not? She just lost Scotty, and she doesn't want anything from the married, golden-boy Campbell Saunders except for answers, and she could get them right now.

The car door was still ajar. Maya stuck her head inside and looked at Cam.

"Do you want to come inside for a drink or something?"

"Oh, um …" He shifted awkwardly in his seat. "I had a glass of wine at - don't want to risk anything."

"Then can you just come in for a visit?"

"I - I told Shelby's cousin I'd pick Hannah up by-"

"Then call her," she snapped back. He was avoiding the issue and she was having none of this shit. "I'll give you cash for her overtime. Just come in."

Maya shut the door and stepped backwards, keeping eye contact that would positively force him to stay. At last, he turned off the engine, and she nearly smiled. She turned her key into the lock and held the door open for him. Once he grabbed it, the two made their way to the sketchy elevator to floor five.

She took this time together to _really _look at him. She was surprised how much Campbell Saunders still looked like Cam. The photos on the hockey cards and in the occasional magazine article made him look so much more mature, like an attractive model prematurely aging past his prime; in person, he still had that baby face she used to love, with the same dark brown eyes that she once wished she could look in forever. He was taller and had a new haircut; those were the only real differences.

When they got out of the elevator, Maya remembered that she lived in a pigsty, but she figured she might as well not give any false ideas about who she is, given the content of the conversation they were going to have in a few short moments. Cam's eyebrows raised when the door opened to reveal a cluster of shoes in the doorway, plates stacked next to the sink, and at least five tissues covered with used makeup on the bathroom counter, but she didn't care. Her apartment was a mess. Get used to it.

She threw her purse on the table and grabbed two beers from the fridge. She knew Cam probably wouldn't change his mind, but if the conversation also went wrong, she had her own personal remedy ready.

He was eyeing the unopened pack of smokes on the kitchen counter, with a look that could only be considered shame.

"I quit," she said in a defiant voice. "It's only there to remind me not to open a new one."

"How long did you do it?"

"Eight years, I guess? I quit six months ago."

It was a lie. She had quit three days ago for the hundredth attempt. Either way, he said nothing, but only held a look of great contempt.

"Is there a problem with that I used to smoke, Cam?" she said fiercely.

"No, it's fine. It's just …" He searched for words. "… not what I expected."

"Well, we all do things that are a little _unexpected _sometimes."

Deep silence. Cam kept trying to make eye contact with her but he would only look away. Maya was determined to hold her gaze. She had trapped him. They were going to talk about this and there was no way out. If he tried, she was closer to the door.

When he didn't start, Maya did. She folded her arms over her chest. "I think somebody owes somebody else an apology."

There was another pause, but at least he was looking at her this time. "Look," he began, "you don't need to apologize-"

"Wait, what?"

She was so utterly confused. They were on two completely separate wavelengths, and somewhere along the way, _she_ was apparently the one who fucked up. How could _anything_ she ever did remotely compare to what that asshole did?

He was a fucking idiot, so it took him a little bit longer for him to realise they had a different story in mind. "What are you-"

"What am I talking about?" Maya exploded. "I'm talking about the fact that on May 7, 2012, you were sleeping over at my house, with plans to meet the next day at lunch-"

"Maya-"

Her voice raised. "-and then you dump me over text, you leave to go back home without telling me why, delete me off Facerange, ignore my calls-"

He was trying to shush her. "Maya, please stop-"

"-And never speak to me again without any explanation! Well, guess what? We all know what you did, Cam! We all know why you went back home!"

He was heading towards the door. "I'm not having this conversation!"

She locked it and leaned against it, knowing deep down that he could easily pick her up and throw her aside. "We all know that you tried to kill yourself in the fucking greenhouse! It's not exactly something that stays quiet."

"Okay, I'm sorry!" Cam begged.

"Sorry for what?" She pushed him by the shoulders, catching him off guard and forcing him to stumble slightly. "Are you sorry for trying to commit suicide? Or are you sorry for trying to commit suicide without telling me anything-"

"Maya, you're yelling again, everyone in the building is-"

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" she positively screamed. She took a drink of beer before she went on. "You do all this fucking shit and you cut me from your life as if you _did_ kill yourself! I went through more than half my life without any answers but apparently, it doesn't matter now, because everything is fine and dandy and you have this awesome career and a sexy wife and a daughter that's going to be some fucking prodigy that the whole world is going to love!"

She was going ballistic. She was surprised she wasn't crying. Cam was crying, though. There were the same tears she remembered from their youth; the ones that were always trying to be held back.

"But guess what? My whole life changed when you did it, Cam! You fucked me over, Campbell Saunders, so thank you very fucking much."

Her rage caused her to be short of breath and hot-faced, but it felt good. She saw that he couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and slowly they streamed across his cheeks.

"Do you want to know what happened, Maya?" he spoke in a calm voice.

"Yes, I do."

"Are you going to let me talk and _not_ interrupt me?"

"Fuck you," she spat.

"Are you or aren't you?"

"Fine, just talk."

Cam leaned up against the counter with the smokes as Maya chugged as much beer as she could. He took a deep breath and started to speak very calm and very fast:

"Yeah, when I was fifteen, I was very depressed and I was tired of hurting everyone, so I grabbed some cutters from the greenhouse and tried to kill myself. Obviously, it didn't work. I woke up in a hospital on life support and my family was coming to take me back home. I basically didn't do anything for a year. My parents deleted my Facerange, Twitter, cancelled my phone plan - that's why I never talked to you -"

"You could've told me that before they did it, you know."

"I'll hear your side of the story in a minute. I was homeschooled, put on major meds and I went to therapy three nights a week until finally, a year later, I was well enough that I could play again. I had to be put in a re-draft and the Ottawa 67's picked me up. My family moved with me so I didn't have to be billeted and I'd always have support. At the NHL draft, the Senators picked me up and I didn't have to move again. I've won two Stanley Cups. I met my wife, we got married, and we have a two-year-old daughter and another one on the way. That's everything that has happened since you last saw me. Your turn."

"My turn?" What was she left to say after that? She pretty much summed it up already; she was a divorced, ex-smoking, failed solo musician turned producer whose first boyfriend had tried to bleed himself to death without warning.

"Yeah, I want to know why you thought you could just move on."

"Because you fucking tried to-"

"My parents deleted my Facerange and all that after you changed your relationship status to 'single', and I almost had another breakdown."

"You broke up with me over a text message, Cam! Or did you forget that part?"

"I did it because I was going to kill myself, Maya! I was supposed to be dead! And when it didn't end up that way, I thought you were going to stand by me, help me or whatever the fuck, and you didn't!"

"You never once tried to get a hold of me!"

"Yeah, well, neither did you. I still checked your profile every day, though, because I still thought we had a chance, and-"

"Bullshit."

"-And I saw a video, not even a month afterwards, of you kissing some random junior at some party!"

"I was single and trying to get over the fact that I let my _ex_-boyfriend try to kill himself! That's what it all comes down to, _your _mistake!"

He started to raise his voice. "You never tried to make us work again after I did it!"

"_You _never tried to make _anything_ work, ever!" She started to mock him. "'Oh, look at me, my life sucks, so instead of dealing with it like a normal fucking person, I'm just going to kill myself and leave everyone else to suffer!' Do you not see this, Cam? You're an asshole!"

She knew she had gone too far. He was so hurt, with an expression she saw more often closer and closer to their last day as kids. She downed the rest of her beer in a final go to distract her, and when she tossed it in the nearly-full trash can, she moved to lean on the table.

Cam wiped away his tears and quietly resumed. "The hardest part was seeing a few months later, 'Maya Matlin is in a relationship with Zig Novak', when you promised me that it was always going to be me."

She attempted his calm demeanor. "You promised me you were fine when you jumped off the catwalk."

"What?"

She entirely sat on the table now, resting her feet on the chair in front of her. "I'm not an idiot, I can put two and two together."

"I thought I _was _fine."

"_I _thought it was always going to be you."

"It didn't end up that way, obviously, because two months after Zig, 'Maya Matlin is in a relationship with Spencer Chapman'. Five months after that, 'Maya Matlin is in a relationship with Liam Pratchett'. Five months after that, 'Maya Matlin is-'"

"We. Were. _Over_!" she emphasised. "If you were so desperate in getting me back, why didn't you make a secret Facerange that your parents didn't know about and try to talk to me?"

"I thought you didn't want that!"

They grew louder again. "Why the hell would you think that?"

"Because you changed your status to single right after I left!"

"Because _you _told me over text that we were over!"

"I said my _life _was over!"

"And our life _was_ over. That's where it ended. Your old life was shit so you started a new one post-attempt, and so did I."

Maya started on the other can. Cam just kept looking down, with the tears still silently falling.

They apparently had reached yet another calm phase of their storm. "So what was _I _supposed to apologize for, exactly?" she asked.

Still looking down, he murmured "Not standing by me, moving forward, pretending I never existed, all that shit."

She took a drink. "Isn't pretending you never existed would've been what you wanted out of your suicide?"

"Touché."

"You never told me why you did it."

"I was depressed."

"I figured that out, obviously. I meant, why were you depressed?"

He actually laughed. "When you have depression, everything makes you depressed."

"Did I?"

"No." Cam took the beer can sitting next to Maya and took a quick swig, putting it back while leaving her shocked. "No, you didn't. I thought I was making _you _depressed."

"That's fucking stupid."

"I didn't think you wanted to deal with all my issues."

"You never showed me your issues."

"Say I did. Would you have wanted to deal with all my shit?"

"Probably not," Maya admitted, "but I would've done it anyway."

"Why?"

"Because I loved you."

He smiled. "I loved you too."

Silence. It was the only silence that felt right.

"You know," Maya started, "if our communication wasn't so fucked up, we probably could've worked out."

To her surprise, Cam shook his head. "I would've crashed anyway."

"Maybe you wouldn't have tried to do what you did."

"I would've probably let you go. Let you do bigger things, experience shit."

"I guess we'll never really know."

"Guess not."

Maya took another drink. She had nothing really left to say. She didn't get answers, but she didn't have any new questions. It would take her a while to process what he had told her, once her anger had subsided and the alcohol rested. She was tired, emotional, and done for the night.

"You should go pick up Hannah," Maya suggested. "It's close to midnight."

"Yeah, I guess."

She hopped off the table. "Staying far?"

Cam re-buttoned his coat. "We're crashing at Justin's in Missisauga for the weekend."

"Nice."

Maya didn't want to lead him back to the lobby, so she began her closing remarks at her doorway.

"Well, this was an … interesting night."

"Yeah, definitely."

"I suppose I'll be seeing you at family reunions, then."

Cam laughed. "Maybe, we'll have to see."

She didn't know what was warranted here. A hug? A handshake? Another screaming match? Nothing seemed to process as right, so they stood on both sides of the door frame, occasionally looking one another in the eye.

"I'm still mad at you, though." It was true. She was furious. She wanted to punch him in the face so hard it brought him back to the last time she saw him, so her fourteen year old self could punch him again.

All he said was "Okay."

They both smiled despite their melancholy emotions and Maya closed the door. She listened for the sound of his footsteps as they became too quiet to hear without strain. She heard the elevator door open and close, and from there she made her way to the window to see the parking lot. She saw him as he exited her building, unlocked the car door, sat in it for a few minutes without moving, and at last turned on the vehicle and drove away. She poured out of the rest of the half-finished beer and crashed on the couch shortly after.

When she woke up the next morning, lighting a cigarette, she realised that this was the second time she and Campbell Saunders never said goodbye.


End file.
